leave me alone

1

There is a veil, a layer of haze that wants to take over my mental capital. It is the evil face Chester talks about in Papercut and the weakness Swami Vivekanand called a sin.

It is a nagging fly in my brain, a stinging feeling which does not go away. I think about something which is unworthy of occupying space in my head. It engages the mind and spins a web over it till all clarity (of thought) is gone. All problems seem bigger than they are.

They are not even problems, 90% of the times. They are just memories of past occurrences which come back to meet me. Most of them are not even malicious.

They had their moment; now is not their time.

What if this happened? What would have she thought? What must he be thinking? All manner of blabber pester me.

When my mind takes up something it is not capable of analyzing through, it gets irritated and wants to stop thinking altogether. The contents may not be pernicious, just a lot for the moment. Hence the mind makes itself incapable to think, just to save itself from self-assault.

It can’t take on everything everywhere all at once.

Most of my problems have easy solutions. Even if they didn’t, thinking about them is never the answer.

The problems, stray thoughts and all other manner of weaknesses stick together to create a huge blob of filth. My brain is so burdened and distracted its potency tanks.

This trouble is compounded by the fear of fear. What if the haze comes back? What if I am trapped in the vortex of an endless string of needless thinking again?

Double jeopardy.

In such moments, it is important not to fret over my inability to purge the mind or the callousness in carelessly thinking about useless, needless stuff. I should rather be working on moving the block off my table.

Adding the burden of my ineptitude -in not dealing with the issue timely and swiftly- to the already hefty blob- will make it even more swollen. I should not feed it in its way.

If I let it continue, in some time all productivity leaves me, there is no motivation to do the good things, and life feels hopeless. It pans out so partly because I have lesser expectation from life, and brain power is anyways limited. So why bother? I YouTube, Google, and video endlessly. The blob does not let me enjoy these too.

2

It surely is the devil. It fetches for stray thoughts and lets them fester in the head. It trains the brain to think collecting waste info and worrying about little nothings is a normal state; when it really is not.

When my mind is free, it tells it- “No. Don’t be free. Free is not good. Think. Think about shit. Let the shit fester. Oh I love the stink. Now eat your shit.”

Merely the prospect of a negative thought lingering in the periphery makes the mind start fetching for it with searchlights, when it should say no. Not today. I don’t need you I never needed you. Don’t come looking for me. Leave me alone.

3

When I can’t think clearly, I am relatively incompetent. But I feel 10 times more incompetent. The key is not to feel insufficient and do all in my power to regain the past state of normality/clarity.

It will speed up the recovery by first multiplying my efforts to act in a better way and by improving my self-respect and confidence in doing the right thing, even as it was the tougher option. Taking the right (baby) steps will put me on track to dissolve the blob.

A clear mind is the greatest asset of all. Preserving its coherence is a constant struggle, needing proper maintenance and care. The blob should not be allowed to be formed. But if it inevitably does take shape, it should be thrown out immediately. If I couldn’t follow on that principle, I should throw it far away as soon as possible.

Dumbledore spoke about this with Harry. He told him fighting the dark forces lingering within was a full time job. One has to do it day-by-day, hour-by-hour, minute-by-minute- to fight the evil, fight again, and keep on fighting, just to be able to keep it at bay, although never quite eradicated.

4

I have a system for it involving mindful breathing, exercising, and being careful of what I am thinking. It is extremely tough to follow, and I falter often. Still it is something which I know to work, and of being worthy of painful practice. Again, it is a full time job and I struggle to implement the system when low on energy, motivation or hope.

When I slow down my thinking by breathing slowly, I can process stuff easily, in turn feeling smarter, giving my horse just enough fodder to win the race. When I take care of the moment at hand, life takes care of me.

Living in the moment is not just an overused cliché. It is the best way to process the little things, and it is the little things which stack together to construct the bigger things. Its key tenet- not thinking anything at all- is the toughest task I have ever undertaken. But some things just have to be done.

Letting those demons into my headspace is a sin, a crime. I should make the state of thinking nothing an indispensable habit. Not just a good principle to follow, but The One Principle to follow all the time.

NON-NEGOTIABLE.